5 Reasons Why We're Screwed in a Zombie Apocalypse

"This is you. Before you get turned into a mindless flesh-eater."

So while you're sitting at home, watching your favorite drama on who's cheated on who and eating Cheerios from a bowl. You hear a thump outside your door, you ignore it as you usually do, but the thumping grows insistent and louder. Pissed off and muttering something about slitting throats and justifiable homicide, you open the door and what do you see?

"Typical scene before the dumb moron gets eaten alive"

Not my mom, you jackasses, you see a zombie.

Your first reaction? Probably going "Holy shit, what the hell have I've been smoking last-". BUT you don't get to complete your sentence, because you're already dead, getting your throat bitten and soon joining the undead horde in their quest for brains and understanding how magnets works and stuff.

"Hey, I ate Todd, your next door neighbour."

But seriously, how many of you reading this post have a Zombie Apocalypse plan? Now, I see you Googling, but don't worry, because whatever you do won't change anything because of these 5 reasons in sweet, lovely Singapore.

1. No Guns or Ammunition

"All of this for $99.99, and I'll throw you a 12 year term in Changi Prison, absolutely free!"

As it's already commonly known, we don't allow sales and owning of firearms, for obvious reasons. You don't want Singapore to be an Asian redneck city, with gun-toting Mats and Ah Bengs cruising the town, now do you?

BUT, once the zombies start coming up their graves, don't expect to see guns lying around Singapore with bullets and ammo packs on the side like some McDonalds side dish meal. This isn't "Left 4 Dead", it's "I'm Already Dead Because I Played Too Much Left 4 Dead".

Hell, even IF you had a gun by some miracle, you wouldn't even know how to use it properly. It isn't something where you point and simply pull the trigger. The recoil would probably slam your gun into your dumb skull, finishing the job for the zombie you killed earlier on.

"Hey, at least she's pointing it the right way. (That's what he said)"

Besides, there are shitloads of different bullets to cater for each gun, and unless if you learnt enough about guns to know which pointy metal goes into which gun chamber, I suggest you put down that gun you're carrying now and save yourself the trouble of getting humiliatingly killed when your gun jams before you can even fire a shot.

2. Singapore, A Tiny Red Dot

Yep, we're so tiny that you'll bump into a hungry zombified Singaporean every 5 seconds if you had the balls to go outside during the apocalypse. Let's take an average Singaporean's residence, a HDB flat residence. Now saying you are a lucky son of a bitch, surviving the initial outbreak and well equipped to kill zombies, this would be your killcount.

Outside your house (Killcount, 3):

• Your neighbour, who often has renovations during the weekends, just to piss you off.
• The hot chick who lives next door that you haven't asked for a date despite your New Year's Resolutions.
• The annoying karang guni who keeps you awake every 7a.m.

"I'm pretty sure those cardboard boxes are brains the next time round..."

Running down the stairs: (Killcount, 7)

• The teenage boy who keeps asking you to play soccer with his gang of friends.
• The auntie that runs the nearby grocery store.
• The uncle who has his rapeface on everytime he sees you.
• The father of the teenage boy who thinks you're a bad influence to his son.

Under the void deck: (Killcount, 14)

• The 4 Mats who hang down under your void deck playing guitars and adjusting their floating caps
• The Indonesian maid who keeps hogging the goddamn public telephone booth.
• The old uncle who always hangs around the void deck with his boxers and singlet.
• The guy who thought it was a good idea to skip Friday prayers on the Apocalypse.

Now 14 zombies, don't sound a lot, does it? WELL, when you're armed with a goddamn chopper or kitchen knife, that is a lot, and you're probably going to get raped when your cheap-ass kitchen knife decides to snap while slashing some zombies.

And don't even think about heading to shopping malls, like in the movies, for refuge. Once you enter, you're gonna get chowed down before you can even say "Oh, that's a lot of zombies.".

"Unless you're this guy."

3. Lack of International Aid

Now, say if you're the commander of the last remaining human armies against the zombie onslaught. You receive a distress signal from a tiny island called Singapore, pleading for help and rescue.

"Wut iz Singarpor? Iz it a new kat food?"

Say you have about a thousand troops or so. And the distress signal comes from a band of 10 survivors, three infected, and one grievously injured. And what's separating you from them?

Like 4 million zombies, that's what.

So would you trade off, say, at least a quarter of your experienced, veteran troops (that's 250 soldiers for those who can't count) to rescue 10 desperate survivors on a tiny island of Singapore? And said survivors may become zombies afterwards and infect your troops?

Well, I don't know about you guys, but if I was him, I'm going to press that red little button there on the desk...

"But it's soooooooo cool!"

4. Lack of preparedness

Before I say anything, take a look at the link below.

http://forums.vr-zone.com/chit-chatting/224336-zombie-outbreak-singapore.html

There was another one which was longer and funnier, but I couldn't find it, so this was close as I could get.

The point is, everyone in Singapore is having a laugh and all, despite the original poster's intention of being downright serious. After sharing their zombie outbreak plans after much thought, and asking for helpful suggestions that could assist mankind in staying resilient against the living undead, what do we get?

"Lol, watch I Am Legend too much la you, tis is rel life, not fantesy. Brb la, DoTA."

"Zombies? I'll kill them with my level 25 Hero lolololol."

So, guess who's going to be the ones staying at home with determination to survive, and the ones running out and screaming mindlessly while getting chowed down by zombies?

"Told you avoiding the LAN shops would work."

5. Lack of social interaction

Greet anyone politely in say, Germany, you'll probably get a warm, friendly reception back. Now, do the same in Singapore, you're more likely to get a cold stare from not only the person you're trying to greet, but the other people around you.

So, you're probably thinking, hey, it's a zombie apocalypse, citizens will probably band together and fight the menace side by side while talking about the good old times and stuff.

"Did I tell you I was joking about the cheap skirt?"

Well, you're probably going to die soon afterwards, because no person in their right mind would suddenly group up with a stranger, even if they do, they're going to have doubts about doing so.

In a zombie apocalypse, there'll probably be marauders and bandits, bands of close-knit friends and gangs, trying to scavenge supplies and food, and believe me, they'll shoot you on sight with the excuse that they thought you're a zombie despite you spouting out mathematical equations and science theories, which of course, a zombie can't.

"Uhh, a pepperoni pizza, extra brains and eyeballs plz."

Summary...

So, you're probably going, there HAS to be a way to survive the apocalypse, they do it all the time in the movies. Well, the best option I have, and will do if said outbreak happens, is to hold out at home and wait it out. DON'T go out looking for supplies unless really necessary, and go out well-equipped. When I mean "well-equipped", I don't mean half naked and with a frying pan, I mean with knives and homemade molotov cocktails and shit.

"Who said being a chef means you need to cook?"

Thus, my friends, try not to get yourself bitten, so I won't end up savagely beating you to death with a club of wood, provided I stay alive long enough.

"CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!"

Played Too Much Left 4 Dead, Have We?

LOLWUT, ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? LOLUMAD?

Yea, wait till it happens. I r well prepared with mah Xbawks 360 and PC games while you get eaten.

No, seriously.

Gamer Woes

Well, a video seems to be circulating like wildfire across Facebook about how games waste your life and you could be doing something better with the time spent on said games. It's below this paragraph if anyone is interested in watching, it's pretty interesting.

Well, kudos to the guy for finding his enlightened state, really, I'm not being sarcastic. But I kinda disagreed with some of his views, I'll probably state a few.

Virtual Friends =/= Real Friends?

He mentioned on how virtual friends are inferior compared to your real friends.

I, myself, have a number of virtual friends whether it may be from my adventures in World of Warcraft, firefights in Team Fortress 2 or Left 4 Dead, or even a simple forum thread. Now, why bother making friends with the players at all, when they are "inadequate friends?" Well, there's two reasons.

"Inadequate? I'll show you inadequate..."

Firstly, said players not only come from Singapore, but from other countries. When I started World of Warcraft back in Secondary 1, I joined an Australian/American family guild, which I met and befriended a number of players. We used to go attack enemy cities and raid dungeons while screaming in Ventrilo and laughing afterwards about it, despite our racial differences. I used to have their Messenger contacts until removed, thanks to a goddamn virus.

Think about it, what are the chances of you bumping into foreign people and having a good time, apart from forcing your way through the American Embassy and introducing yourself in an effort to make friends. Surely everyone wants a little love among the countries in the world?

"Let's be friends, I'll be the guy and you'll be the..."

Secondly, those said players are often like-minded people, someone you can relate and enjoy, (since all of you are playing the same game, that has to be something you share in common). My guild and I enjoyed World of Warcraft as a whole, meeting up to do quests and other game content, while getting to know each other. Why force yourself to go out in clubs and hang out with "friends" who rub you on the wrong way (that's what she said), when you can find more easier friends on your favorite games?

Of course, do take notice, I'm not encouraging you to dump your real life friends in exchange for your virtual friends, they're still as important. I'm just saying, although you can't see your virtual friends face-to-face, they are still human beings and you'll still find companionship in them, like in your real friends.

"I can play the electric guitar, am I a real friend now?"

And hey, there's Facebook if you really need to know whose behind that character.

Gamer = Bad Husband, Overweight, etc etc.

Well, apparently, this guy who made the video lacked self-control. He admitted being a bad husband, which I probably assume that he neglected his family while he was playing Sims or Civilization. Those two words, "self-control", pretty much describe whether if you're a addicted gamer or not.

To me, my self-control level is somewhat good. I can limit myself and go to sleep at right hours, I'll go out with friends instead of wasting the night to complete some RPG game. (Unless I'm too darn lazy or if there are too little people going) The only flaw in me if a release date of a game that I enjoy *cough* Cataclysm *cough* falls under a school day, well, there's where the inner gamer in me takes over.

"CATACLYSM IS OUT OF STOCK?!"

But hey, no one is perfect. Smokers, drinkers, and even wankers have their weak moments. People who say they can stop smoking, drinking or wanking whenever they want, deep down inside, the lure of nicotine, booze, or boobies is still there, ready to strike.

"Must... not... buttsex..."

Thus, it all falls under self-control to see whether you end up as an overweight bastard who cares nothing about being his Level 80 Human Paladin who defeated The Lich King over 9000 times, or ending up as a successful guy in life.

Do things that create value, not consume time

I agree with him in this sentence. But, as one replier posted, why don't games create any value, when reading books like Moby Dick, Harry Potter and Twilight do? Or watching House, How I Met Your Mother and other TV serials? It really depends on what your "value" means.

"Now, THIS is value!"

I play games because I enjoy the sense of satisfaction of completing a game, of doing something I enjoy. Something I can go "God, that's something to be proud of, I'm glad I finished this game." That's why I feel being a gamer gives value. You may see and think differently, because you see in a different perspective. You don't dwell on gaming and derive "value" from something else, whether it may be playing music, reading books, working out in the gym, etc etc.

Why are games totally different in that sense? You may say completing games don't help you in your future life. Well, let me just say there are Starcraft 2 players in South Korea making shitloads of money just by playing Starcraft 2, probably ten times more than your average office boy. And I don't really think you can put "Gyming", "Reading Books" or "Playing the Guitar" on your application form, can you?

"So... how does your "425 max bench press" help our company improve our stocks?"

What I'm really trying to say is, things which you enjoy doing isn't what I would say "wasting time". It really, really depends on what "value" means to you, whether it may be finally finishing that 1000 page novel of Sherlock Holmes, defeating the last boss in Fable III, or even finishing a whole workout session in gym. It's how you take that "value" and transform it to a way that you see it as beneficial and satisfying to your daily life, so there's no really right or wrong.

"I tink tis is "value" for a catz"

Whew, that was a tiring rant, but I'm done. I thank the people who posted the video on Facebook, it gave me something of "value" to do for this Friday night.

Operation: Sleeping Cabin

Well, it's true. I've seen a whole train cabin pull it off at Yishun during the peak hours.

The wonders of a last minute planning.

The 5 Most Annoying Gamer Types.

I can't think of a 4-spaced comic to write about, so I figured I ranted a bit about my 12 years experience of gaming, and the types of gamers who tend to make you want to pull your hair out and punch your computer in the screen.

Note: Don't take it personally, I didn't mention any names, so don't go "FUCK YOU BITCH STOP TALKING BEHIND MY BACK YOU COWARD *insert rage note here*".

A whole new way in shutting down your computer...

Ready? Here we go.

1. The Whiner

"Oh, why must we play this game? Can't we play the other game that I totally rule at while you guys suck? I'm going to whine 24 hours non-stop until you give in or I rage quit!"

How about a round of whin-I mean, applause?

I've met tons of these people in the virtual space and real life alike. Want to play a game with them that they dislike? Good luck, they'll complain every single thing on what you do, whether it's taking a health kit you found first, getting a better item, or simply suggesting a way to make the game more interesting.

It's the only step they see fit to execute if things aren't going their way, despite if the other players are having fun. Oh, your entire dungeon party was slaughtered, but you almost defeated the boss, WHINE. Hey, we're having fun beating each other to death with melee weapons, WHINE. I think I need to reset my Internet connection, WHINE.

Solution: Ignoring is the best solution, if no one takes heed of their whining, they'll eventually ragequit. Just make sure said player isn't doing an important role in your game.

2. The "Enthusiastic" (N2) Gamer

*At 12P.M.* "OMFG, Left 4 Dead 2?! 8P.M?! I'LL BE THERE, COUNT ON IT!"

*8 hours later* "Ah sorry guys, my cat exploded, I don't think I can join you guys tonight..."

Sure, it's a fair excuse, but 6 times a week?!

Annoying, isn't it? When someone expresses so much "N2", it fills your balls with so much hope that you go "Awesome, this guy is going to be there at 8P.M, and we only need X more players for a proper game.", until the guy does a Houdini at the last possible minute, which leaves you scrambling for another player.

I mean, sure, if said player told me like 4-5 hours before the actual game began, I would understand, hell, it'll make sense. But 10 MINUTES before the actual game? Okay, that's just dumb.

Furthermore, such players tend to give you a whole new list of excuses ranging from internet issues to exploding genitals that you could fill a book about "1001 Excuses to use when my Teacher has half a brain." and sell it to the world. And they give an unique excuse every single day without fail, like a creative department working in their basement, coming up with the most mind-boggling excuses you could never dream of.

Solution: NEVER, never, ask them for a session of LAN gaming, unless you enjoy scrolling through your MSN contact list for an extra player before the game starts. Trust me, the chances of them joining you in a game is when I become the next billionaire. Seriously.

3. The Lagger

This is a no-brainer, what would you get if you invite players from every nation into a local Counter-Strike server? A cluster-lag of epic proportions.

The bullets will start moving in approximately 12591241 hours...

If you're a regular gamer, you must have your fair share of missing a head shot, thanks to lag itself, only to get yours splattered on the wall behind you. Or crashing your race car into the wall because you couldn't do that fancy drift in 0.2 seconds, because lag screwed up your timing. In fact, most of us are out to eliminate lag from our systems, until it becomes a joke that we'll laugh about in remembering the "good ol' times"

However, some people seem to embrace said lag, like it was some kind of martial art.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to the people that can't help having lag, because of integrated graphic cards, fail network connections that they'll replace in a week, after their payroll checks in. I'm talking about those who won't do jack shit even if they could solve their lag problems.

Lower graphic settings? Nah, that'll reduce my game experience.

Download graphic updates? I'll probably get a trojan in my computer.

Do a complete reformat? I don't want to lose my saved content.

And because of their selfishness, entire servers suffer on said lag. So who you're going to blame for your next failed backstab?

Solution: If you know people like this, the best approach is to indirectly force them to reformat their computers, by saying how awesome a game is, and if only he/she could play it, but since her/his computer is a pile of fail, it wont run anyways. If that doesn't work, well, there's the /kick or /ban command.

4. The Commander

Ever played any game, and you get bossed around by someone who thinks he's a five star general, recently promoted by President Asshole and Lord Excellency Penis, and has the right to issue orders around? I'm pretty sure you did.

i'M 1n C0mMaNd, So dO what 1 say, oR i'LL kick you from the server!!!!11!!

Chances are, said Commanders are admins of the server you're playing on. Or if not, he's probably one of those well "respected" players in the server, meaning without him and his gang of supporters, the server won't have any players to play on the shitty server, so they satisfy him in anyway, whether it be praises or sexuality, just to make sure he isn't going anywhere.

They won't let you do whatever you want. You HAVE to do what they say, or you'll get flamed through the mic channel or booted from the server. Sniping the enemy machine gunner from his nest would greatly reduce casualties, you say? NO, WE NEED EVERYONE TO RUSH AND DESTROY THE MACHINE GUNNER. But that'll decrease our score coun- DO WHAT I SAY OR I'LL KICK YOU FROM THE SERVER.

They don't care if you had a better idea. They don't care if you were a veteran player from WCG, winning 5 rounds in a hot streak. They don't care if you paid 60 bucks for the game, so you have a choice to play what you want to play. They're the commander here, so you'll follow his command or suffer his wrath.

Solution: Ignore them. You paid for the game, you follow your own will. Fuck them if they kicked you or flamed you, just join another server with a friendlier community, and what does flaming do anyways, it's just plain insults like the ones you would throw in secondary school about each other's mothers.

5. The Rager

Ever had one of those days, where you would go on a unstoppable killing spree because of your luck, and get flamed by some guy, saying that the AWP Sniper Rifle is for n00bz who don't know how to use real guns, and tries to stalk you, gloating after finally killing you, even though you killed him for 9 times before he did.

Now with extra FFFFFUUUUUU-

These guys probably had a bad day, and they're out to ruin yours, despite your awesome 18 killstreak on the server. They take it personally that you just knifed them from the behind, when you knifed 5 other enemy players the same way. They'll bitch on how you suck with the knife, that only real men knife face-to-face, and bitch about knifing him at low health when you knifed him again in the face, and bitch about lag, when you knifed him, yet again when he was in full health.

Once they kill you, they treat it as if they managed to score their first date, gloating over your dead corpse, and describing with truth that resembles Stalin's Russian history books, on how "professionally" he killed you and how outmatched you are against him, meanwhile failing to realize that he just got knifed again, and shrugging it off, saying it was a cheap kill.

Solution: Don't get provoked, this is like the equivalent of a staring incident in real life. In fact, keep killing him over and over again, you'll derive more enjoyment from his responses after you killed him for the 20th time, and perhaps maybe, a ragequit that you can delight from, since you caused said ragequit, instead of bickering against him, just as he planned.

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Well that's all I have, stay tuned for more.

Intellect +9999999999.....

Maybe some of you non-WoW players won't get it, but if you ever played a multi player RPG game, like Diablo, per say, or even MapleStory, you'll surely encounter a time when someone takes an item that could improve your character significantly, but the item does jack shit to his character. But thanks to the power of greed in mankind, he becomes a total asswipe and claims it's better than what he's got.

You'll probably find said item in the auction house, or on some other character which he sold to after 2 hours.

Anyways, enjoy, btw, I get all plate drop lewtz kk?

Tight Fit,

Usually on the MRT, when I find a seat, I take out my MP3 player (which is also my handphone, by the way) from my pocket. But because of the closeness of the seats, I end up elbowing someone by accident. So, I'll try to take it out casually and slowly, which results in me fidgeting in my jeans like some retard for half the ride.

Now, wouldn't it be easier to take out your MP3 player BEFORE the ride? Well, I don't like putting my earphones on so early, because someone might recognize me and call out to me, only for me to walk like a total douche past them, drowned in music. Yep, it happened before, like 5 - 6 times.

Well, once they invent MP3 Watches (I'm doing that for my entrepreneurship project, muhahaha) I shall continue elbowing people.

P.S: That's what she said.