"This is you. Before you get turned into a mindless flesh-eater."
So while you're sitting at home, watching your favorite drama on who's cheated on who and eating Cheerios from a bowl. You hear a thump outside your door, you ignore it as you usually do, but the thumping grows insistent and louder. Pissed off and muttering something about slitting throats and justifiable homicide, you open the door and what do you see?
"Typical scene before the dumb moron gets eaten alive"
Not my mom, you jackasses, you see a zombie.
Your first reaction? Probably going "Holy shit, what the hell have I've been smoking last-". BUT you don't get to complete your sentence, because you're already dead, getting your throat bitten and soon joining the undead horde in their quest for brains and understanding how magnets works and stuff.
"Hey, I ate Todd, your next door neighbour."
But seriously, how many of you reading this post have a Zombie Apocalypse plan? Now, I see you Googling, but don't worry, because whatever you do won't change anything because of these 5 reasons in sweet, lovely Singapore.
1. No Guns or Ammunition
"All of this for $99.99, and I'll throw you a 12 year term in Changi Prison, absolutely free!"
As it's already commonly known, we don't allow sales and owning of firearms, for obvious reasons. You don't want Singapore to be an Asian redneck city, with gun-toting Mats and Ah Bengs cruising the town, now do you?
BUT, once the zombies start coming up their graves, don't expect to see guns lying around Singapore with bullets and ammo packs on the side like some McDonalds side dish meal. This isn't "Left 4 Dead", it's "I'm Already Dead Because I Played Too Much Left 4 Dead".
Hell, even IF you had a gun by some miracle, you wouldn't even know how to use it properly. It isn't something where you point and simply pull the trigger. The recoil would probably slam your gun into your dumb skull, finishing the job for the zombie you killed earlier on.
"Hey, at least she's pointing it the right way. (That's what he said)"
Besides, there are shitloads of different bullets to cater for each gun, and unless if you learnt enough about guns to know which pointy metal goes into which gun chamber, I suggest you put down that gun you're carrying now and save yourself the trouble of getting humiliatingly killed when your gun jams before you can even fire a shot.
2. Singapore, A Tiny Red Dot
Yep, we're so tiny that you'll bump into a hungry zombified Singaporean every 5 seconds if you had the balls to go outside during the apocalypse. Let's take an average Singaporean's residence, a HDB flat residence. Now saying you are a lucky son of a bitch, surviving the initial outbreak and well equipped to kill zombies, this would be your killcount.
Outside your house (Killcount, 3):
- Your neighbour, who often has renovations during the weekends, just to piss you off.
- The hot chick who lives next door that you haven't asked for a date despite your New Year's Resolutions.
- The annoying karang guni who keeps you awake every 7a.m.
"I'm pretty sure those cardboard boxes are brains the next time round..."
Running down the stairs: (Killcount, 7)
- The teenage boy who keeps asking you to play soccer with his gang of friends.
- The auntie that runs the nearby grocery store.
- The uncle who has his rapeface on everytime he sees you.
- The father of the teenage boy who thinks you're a bad influence to his son.
Under the void deck: (Killcount, 14)
- The 4 Mats who hang down under your void deck playing guitars and adjusting their floating caps
- The Indonesian maid who keeps hogging the goddamn public telephone booth.
- The old uncle who always hangs around the void deck with his boxers and singlet.
- The guy who thought it was a good idea to skip Friday prayers on the Apocalypse.
Now 14 zombies, don't sound a lot, does it? WELL, when you're armed with a goddamn chopper or kitchen knife, that is a lot, and you're probably going to get raped when your cheap-ass kitchen knife decides to snap while slashing some zombies.
And don't even think about heading to shopping malls, like in the movies, for refuge. Once you enter, you're gonna get chowed down before you can even say "Oh, that's a lot of zombies.".
"Unless you're this guy."
3. Lack of International Aid
Now, say if you're the commander of the last remaining human armies against the zombie onslaught. You receive a distress signal from a tiny island called Singapore, pleading for help and rescue.
"Wut iz Singarpor? Iz it a new kat food?"
Say you have about a thousand troops or so. And the distress signal comes from a band of 10 survivors, three infected, and one grievously injured. And what's separating you from them?
Like 4 million zombies, that's what.
So would you trade off, say, at least a quarter of your experienced, veteran troops (that's 250 soldiers for those who can't count) to rescue 10 desperate survivors on a tiny island of Singapore? And said survivors may become zombies afterwards and infect your troops?
Well, I don't know about you guys, but if I was him, I'm going to press that red little button there on the desk...
"But it's soooooooo cool!"
4. Lack of preparedness
Before I say anything, take a look at the link below.
There was another one which was longer and funnier, but I couldn't find it, so this was close as I could get.
The point is, everyone in Singapore is having a laugh and all, despite the original poster's intention of being downright serious. After sharing their zombie outbreak plans after much thought, and asking for helpful suggestions that could assist mankind in staying resilient against the living undead, what do we get?
"Lol, watch I Am Legend too much la you, tis is rel life, not fantesy. Brb la, DoTA."
"Zombies? I'll kill them with my level 25 Hero lolololol."
So, guess who's going to be the ones staying at home with determination to survive, and the ones running out and screaming mindlessly while getting chowed down by zombies?
"Told you avoiding the LAN shops would work."
5. Lack of social interaction
Greet anyone politely in say, Germany, you'll probably get a warm, friendly reception back. Now, do the same in Singapore, you're more likely to get a cold stare from not only the person you're trying to greet, but the other people around you.
So, you're probably thinking, hey, it's a zombie apocalypse, citizens will probably band together and fight the menace side by side while talking about the good old times and stuff.
"Did I tell you I was joking about the cheap skirt?"
Well, you're probably going to die soon afterwards, because no person in their right mind would suddenly group up with a stranger, even if they do, they're going to have doubts about doing so.
In a zombie apocalypse, there'll probably be marauders and bandits, bands of close-knit friends and gangs, trying to scavenge supplies and food, and believe me, they'll shoot you on sight with the excuse that they thought you're a zombie despite you spouting out mathematical equations and science theories, which of course, a zombie can't.
"Uhh, a pepperoni pizza, extra brains and eyeballs plz."
Summary...
So, you're probably going, there HAS to be a way to survive the apocalypse, they do it all the time in the movies. Well, the best option I have, and will do if said outbreak happens, is to hold out at home and wait it out. DON'T go out looking for supplies unless really necessary, and go out well-equipped. When I mean "well-equipped", I don't mean half naked and with a frying pan, I mean with knives and homemade molotov cocktails and shit.
"Who said being a chef means you need to cook?"
Thus, my friends, try not to get yourself bitten, so I won't end up savagely beating you to death with a club of wood, provided I stay alive long enough.
"CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!"
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