I can't think of a 4-spaced comic to write about, so I figured I ranted a bit about my 12 years experience of gaming, and the types of gamers who tend to make you want to pull your hair out and punch your computer in the screen.
Note: Don't take it personally, I didn't mention any names, so don't go "FUCK YOU BITCH STOP TALKING BEHIND MY BACK YOU COWARD *insert rage note here*".
A whole new way in shutting down your computer...
Ready? Here we go.
1. The Whiner
"Oh, why must we play this game? Can't we play the other game that I totally rule at while you guys suck? I'm going to whine 24 hours non-stop until you give in or I rage quit!"
How about a round of whin-I mean, applause?
I've met tons of these people in the virtual space and real life alike. Want to play a game with them that they dislike? Good luck, they'll complain every single thing on what you do, whether it's taking a health kit you found first, getting a better item, or simply suggesting a way to make the game more interesting.
It's the only step they see fit to execute if things aren't going their way, despite if the other players are having fun. Oh, your entire dungeon party was slaughtered, but you almost defeated the boss, WHINE. Hey, we're having fun beating each other to death with melee weapons, WHINE. I think I need to reset my Internet connection, WHINE.
Solution: Ignoring is the best solution, if no one takes heed of their whining, they'll eventually ragequit. Just make sure said player isn't doing an important role in your game.
2. The "Enthusiastic" (N2) Gamer
*At 12P.M.* "OMFG, Left 4 Dead 2?! 8P.M?! I'LL BE THERE, COUNT ON IT!"
*8 hours later* "Ah sorry guys, my cat exploded, I don't think I can join you guys tonight..."
Sure, it's a fair excuse, but 6 times a week?!
Annoying, isn't it? When someone expresses so much "N2", it fills your balls with so much hope that you go "Awesome, this guy is going to be there at 8P.M, and we only need X more players for a proper game.", until the guy does a Houdini at the last possible minute, which leaves you scrambling for another player.
I mean, sure, if said player told me like 4-5 hours before the actual game began, I would understand, hell, it'll make sense. But 10 MINUTES before the actual game? Okay, that's just dumb.
Furthermore, such players tend to give you a whole new list of excuses ranging from internet issues to exploding genitals that you could fill a book about "1001 Excuses to use when my Teacher has half a brain." and sell it to the world. And they give an unique excuse every single day without fail, like a creative department working in their basement, coming up with the most mind-boggling excuses you could never dream of.
Solution: NEVER, never, ask them for a session of LAN gaming, unless you enjoy scrolling through your MSN contact list for an extra player before the game starts. Trust me, the chances of them joining you in a game is when I become the next billionaire. Seriously.
3. The Lagger
This is a no-brainer, what would you get if you invite players from every nation into a local Counter-Strike server? A cluster-lag of epic proportions.
The bullets will start moving in approximately 12591241 hours...
If you're a regular gamer, you must have your fair share of missing a head shot, thanks to lag itself, only to get yours splattered on the wall behind you. Or crashing your race car into the wall because you couldn't do that fancy drift in 0.2 seconds, because lag screwed up your timing. In fact, most of us are out to eliminate lag from our systems, until it becomes a joke that we'll laugh about in remembering the "good ol' times"
However, some people seem to embrace said lag, like it was some kind of martial art.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to the people that can't help having lag, because of integrated graphic cards, fail network connections that they'll replace in a week, after their payroll checks in. I'm talking about those who won't do jack shit even if they could solve their lag problems.
Lower graphic settings? Nah, that'll reduce my game experience.
Download graphic updates? I'll probably get a trojan in my computer.
Do a complete reformat? I don't want to lose my saved content.
And because of their selfishness, entire servers suffer on said lag. So who you're going to blame for your next failed backstab?
Solution: If you know people like this, the best approach is to indirectly force them to reformat their computers, by saying how awesome a game is, and if only he/she could play it, but since her/his computer is a pile of fail, it wont run anyways. If that doesn't work, well, there's the /kick or /ban command.
4. The Commander
Ever played any game, and you get bossed around by someone who thinks he's a five star general, recently promoted by President Asshole and Lord Excellency Penis, and has the right to issue orders around? I'm pretty sure you did.
i'M 1n C0mMaNd, So dO what 1 say, oR i'LL kick you from the server!!!!11!!
Chances are, said Commanders are admins of the server you're playing on. Or if not, he's probably one of those well "respected" players in the server, meaning without him and his gang of supporters, the server won't have any players to play on the shitty server, so they satisfy him in anyway, whether it be praises or sexuality, just to make sure he isn't going anywhere.
They won't let you do whatever you want. You HAVE to do what they say, or you'll get flamed through the mic channel or booted from the server. Sniping the enemy machine gunner from his nest would greatly reduce casualties, you say? NO, WE NEED EVERYONE TO RUSH AND DESTROY THE MACHINE GUNNER. But that'll decrease our score coun- DO WHAT I SAY OR I'LL KICK YOU FROM THE SERVER.
They don't care if you had a better idea. They don't care if you were a veteran player from WCG, winning 5 rounds in a hot streak. They don't care if you paid 60 bucks for the game, so you have a choice to play what you want to play. They're the commander here, so you'll follow his command or suffer his wrath.
Solution: Ignore them. You paid for the game, you follow your own will. Fuck them if they kicked you or flamed you, just join another server with a friendlier community, and what does flaming do anyways, it's just plain insults like the ones you would throw in secondary school about each other's mothers.
5. The Rager
Ever had one of those days, where you would go on a unstoppable killing spree because of your luck, and get flamed by some guy, saying that the AWP Sniper Rifle is for n00bz who don't know how to use real guns, and tries to stalk you, gloating after finally killing you, even though you killed him for 9 times before he did.
Now with extra FFFFFUUUUUU-
These guys probably had a bad day, and they're out to ruin yours, despite your awesome 18 killstreak on the server. They take it personally that you just knifed them from the behind, when you knifed 5 other enemy players the same way. They'll bitch on how you suck with the knife, that only real men knife face-to-face, and bitch about knifing him at low health when you knifed him again in the face, and bitch about lag, when you knifed him, yet again when he was in full health.
Once they kill you, they treat it as if they managed to score their first date, gloating over your dead corpse, and describing with truth that resembles Stalin's Russian history books, on how "professionally" he killed you and how outmatched you are against him, meanwhile failing to realize that he just got knifed again, and shrugging it off, saying it was a cheap kill.
Solution: Don't get provoked, this is like the equivalent of a staring incident in real life. In fact, keep killing him over and over again, you'll derive more enjoyment from his responses after you killed him for the 20th time, and perhaps maybe, a ragequit that you can delight from, since you caused said ragequit, instead of bickering against him, just as he planned.
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Well that's all I have, stay tuned for more.
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